Screens and Digital Health - What Works for Our Family in 2024
Let me start by saying that I am not anti-screen. I think screens are a useful tool in life, when used in moderation. I use screens and social media to run my business and spend a dedicated amount of time each week creating and sharing content with the intention of helping people to declutter, get organised and live a life with enhanced wellbeing.
This post is not written to judge and shame other people. I’m not sharing this post because I think that everyone should be doing the same as us - every family is different and shares their own unique set of values. I’m sharing what works for our family because so far, it’s made our lives easier, and more joyful. That said, I’m fascinated to learn more about what works in other families. I hope this post serves as a point of discussion, and a pause for reflection about whether what’s happening in your home works for you.
I feel like this question is one I continuously ponder: Am I happy with my family’s relationship with screens?
To help me answer this question at different stages of our lives, my husband and I created a Family Screens Policy. Like every policy, the points keep us centred to what we’re trying to achieve. So, what are we trying to achieve?:
Connection & trust - creating an environment for open communication with each other, and our children about the benefits of screens and the detrimental impact / dangers of too much screen time, so they can make an informed decision and create sustainable habits when they’re older
Establishing balance - deciding what we feel is an appropriate amount of time spent on screens in line with health guidance on getting adequate sleep, enough physical exercise, and ensuring we have a good amount of family time without screens (supporting connection and conversation)
Safety - ensuring our children are using the internet safely, and know what to do/whom to speak to if they see something which makes them feel uncomfortable
Our family screens policy in 2024:
• iPads: We own one iPad and sadly all of Romeo’s homework (he’s 8) is online. He’s allowed to use the iPad to complete his homework (always in the same room as us, sometimes with our help). I’m not against using some online platforms for homework, but I’m sad about the fact that all of his homework is online. Personally, I feel there should be more of a balance between online homework and paper tasks sent home.
Hermione (now 6) does not have online homework but has access to educational sites like Purple Mash, via her school. Although she likes this site, she only asks to log on about once a month at this stage. When she does log on, it’s often with her brother (he likes to ‘help’ her!), and we make sure this activity takes place in the same room as my husband and I.
We don’t feel comfortable about letting them use the iPad alone in their bedroom (they still share one at the moment) - this isn’t because we don’t trust them, but because (at this stage of their lives) we want to build a positive habit that screen use is a shared experience in a communal area. That way, if they experience difficulties, we’re on hand to help them. Just to be clear, I am not anti-internet - I think the internet is a great educational tool that supports learning, as long as it’s used in moderation, with appropriate safety controls in place, and in a communal area.
We rarely encounter pushback from Romeo and Hermione when we ask them to switch off the iPad. What has helped us in the past, and continues to help us, is by giving them advanced warning when their time will be up. We make sure we get their attention (and eye contact!) when we say ‘Romeo, you have five minutes left okay?’ We make sure they have heard us and agree before continuing their use.
• Family TV: once a week on Saturday for 1-2 hours (at the moment it’s Masterchef and Ninja Warrior, which we love!). Shows are chosen on the basis that they inspire, educate and entertain.
• Family movie: on a Sunday afternoon - each member of our family gets to choose the movie on rotation. It’s Hermione’s choice this week, and she has already chosen Mary Poppins. After making her choice on Monday, she’s been excitedly building her anticipation! As we know, the longer the build up of anticipation, the more joy we experience!
• Our movie choices: are guided by advice from commonsensemedia.org (which explains clearly what age to show children movies based on viewer ratings, children’s ratings and expert ratings). My husband and I have a shared note on our phones, with a Movie List, tracking what they’ve already watched, as well as movies they haven’t watched yet (along with the appropriate age for them to watch it). Please note that creating our Movie List takes has taken time to research and acts as a working document that we consistently review and add to.
• Gaming: I am not against gaming. I am against children playing games that are not age appropriate.
As a family, on a few occasions, we played the original Mario Bros game on my husband’s original Super Nintendo, and the children loved it! At the moment, I feel Romeo does enough gaming with his homework platforms, and he isn’t aware of popular games like Minecraft etc. YET. We take the age rating guidance very seriously. When I hear of children playing Fortnite before their teen years (some as young as 3), I get upset because of the clear guidance stating it is suitable for ages 13 and up. The game contains violence, blood, and gore, as well as an online chat feature that may expose players to inappropriate language or content, as well as opening up the pathway for strangers to reach out to them.
• Phones for the children: I am not against smartphones. I am for giving children smartphones when I feel they’re ready. All of the studies that focus on smartphone use and mental health advocate delaying smartphone use for as long as possible. I aim to delay giving Romeo and Hermione a smartphone until at least the age 14 (Year 9).
• No social media for R&H until they’re at least 16.
We plan to give R&H a dumb phone when they’re in Year 6 (which they can phone and text on only, when they travel home alone from school). There’s a growing movement about this, and I highly recommend you check out the Instagram account @smartphonefreechildhood (by the inspiring Clare & Daisy). Their website has a wealth of information and resources if you want to learn more. They are on a mission to connect like-minded individuals who feel the same way about smartphones and social media being extremely detrimental to our children’s safety and mental health. The community has grown exponentially since their launch in February 2024, predominately through WhatsApp groups across every county in the UK. I have joined the Surrey WhatsApp group and have set up a group within that region for my son’s school. This was as a very simple process and we already have over 140 members that share similar values and intentions, and are fully in support of this campaign. We've met with our headteacher about the issue and written him a letter with 80 signatories expressing the need for action to be taken by the school to promote to parents delaying giving children smartphones in an effort to protect their mental health.
The result? The headteacher has agreed to set up a working group with us, him and members of the Governing Body to create a list of positive actions for the school to take. We're thrilled at this response and support from the school, and I will keep you updated!
What about peer pressure? This is one of the reasons why I love the Smartphone Free Childhood campaign; if parents come together on a mass scale (which is already happening) and commit to restricting smartphone use until 14 and social media use until 16, this will mean that our children are not the only ones in their class who don’t have a smartphone and/or access to social media. One of the fears of parents committing to this path is that our children will feel left out. It is through sharing a common belief, commitment to this campaign, along with educating and explaining to our children about WHY this is so important, that we can generate positive change. We don’t let teens drive a car until they’re ready at 17, so why would we let them navigate the world of smartphones and social media until they’re ready to deal with the multitude of challenges that come with its use? As adults, we’re still trying to navigate it ourselves, and we don’t even have the answers!
I don’t know what the future holds for our family. I can’t stop Romeo and Hermione having 100% access to smartphones and social media. Inevitably, they will experience it through friends and family members. We can’t control that. What we can control though is what happens in our own home, and set the boundaries we feel will help them remain focused, content and safe, during some of their most vulnerable years. It’s my hope that when they’re ready, they will be old enough to make an informed choice, and through our consistent role modelling, adopt sustainable, healthy habits with screens. None of us knows what the future holds; we can only do what’s right, based on the information we have available to us in the context of our time.
If you want to learn more, there is a fantastic 52-minute educational talk to support your decision making in this area: Jonathan Haidt: Smartphones vs. Smart Kids. I would also highly recommend reading Jonathan Haidt’s book ‘The Anxious Generation’.
I could write a whole other blog post about why I’m so passionate about delaying smartphones and social media, which I probably will do in due course, but for the purpose of this post, I will allow you to engage with the resources shared above, whilst I quietly anticipate hearing your own views on the subject.
• My own phone use - For the majority of the time, to give me the best of chance of being fully present with my children, I tend to put my phone in another room when I’m with them. Out of sight, out of mind. When I do need to use my phone, I try to explain what I’m doing - ‘I’m just going to check the weather today’ (Romeo often does this for me now!) or ‘I will just text Daddy to see when he’s back for dinner…’. Mostly, I use it as a tool (weather, text, map, camera), and not as a distraction from my children. I do not go on social media when I’m with them. They have no idea what Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and TikTok is, and at the age of 6 and 8, I’m unsure what benefits there are for Romeo and Hermione knowing these platforms exist.
I believe everyone should spend time thinking about their own Screens Policy, especially when it comes to phone use and social media. There’s an important reason why the creators of these products didn’t let their own children use them.
What we’ve experienced so far with giving Romeo and Hermione limited access to screens:
- They read.
- They play.
- They get bored.
- They use their imagination.
- They spend more time mono-tasking, focusing on one thing at a time, in depth.
- They learn to be still. And let’s face it, living in a world of constant bombardment, many adults including myself find the skill of being still harder than ever. I want to give them the gift of stillness that we so desperately crave.
This isn’t to say that families who give children unlimited access to screens don’t experience all of the above. Remember, I’m just sharing what works for us.
There’s no judgement here, I promise.
This is a safe space, I would highly appreciate any feedback to be respectful and non-judgemental of the decisions we have made for our family please.
💭 Do you have a screens policy yet? I’d love to hear your thoughts…