Surviving Lockdown with Kids - What I've Learnt So Far
As I write this, on 1st July, the U.K. has entered it’s 15th week of lockdown. In England, lockdown is now looking very different from when the restrictions were first put in place on 23rd March. Romeo is back in Nursery two mornings a week but as it stands, my husband and I are still trying to balance childcare (FYI, Romeo is 4 and Hermione is 2) with trying to work, without any support. I appreciate that this is a situation that some of you can relate to. We’ve never spent this much time together as a family, under such stressful circumstances. There have been days where I felt like we were thriving and other days which were a real struggle.
I wanted to share some reflections I’ve had about the past 15 weeks, including some of the mindset shifts and changes we’ve made in our home and schedule that have helped us accept the challenge of lockdown and made things (a little!) easier for our family. I don’t share these to be smug or to create the illusion of ‘we’ve got this covered (the truth is, we’re learning, panicking and adapting every single day when things that used to work, no longer work in the same way). I share the following because if just one of these reflections can help you, then it may just make your life a little easier too…
- Be kind to yourself - First, let’s all take a step back and quietly congratulate ourselves. Let’s acknowledge the resilience we have all shown through living this experience the best way we can. Whether you feel like you’ve been thriving or surviving lockdown, you need to know that you are awesome. Say it out loud: ‘I am awesome’.
- Something has to go - I’m a perfectionist so I found this one challenging but I realised early on that there are not enough hours in the day to look after the kids, work, exercise, engage in downtime, as well as tidy and clean our home. So our level of cleaning took a nosedive (through reprioritising cleaning door handles, sinks etc.). We literally did the bare minimum. And that was okay. We let go of our expectations to have things perfectly clean to our previous levels of satisfaction.
- Stick to a simple meal plan - Since the beginning of lockdown, we’ve had 15 set meals (Monday-Friday) which we haven’t deviated from. Knowing what we are going to eat and when, has made shopping relatively straight-forward and it’s taken the stress out of asking the question ‘What are we going to eat for breakfast/lunch/dinner?’ 15 times a week. Our menu is simple and we stick it up on our fridge (we’ve got a magnetic planner) so it’s easy for everyone to see. I’ve always been a fan of the meal planner but I have even more respect for it now.
- Communicate your boundaries (with everyone) - Most days my husband and I have had a 10 minute ‘check-in’ over breakfast about what our day is going to look like. We discuss when he’s going to work, when I’m going to work, when we need a complete block of uninterrupted time to work, activities for the kids etc. Most days we’ve done this but it’s incredible how differently the day turned out if we didn’t manage to have that morning check-in. Those were the days when it felt like we were constantly chasing our tails. A little conversation goes a long way.
- This has worked for some of my clients: Involve your children in the conversation about boundaries - In the same way you can talk to your partner in your daily check-in, some of my clients have involved their children in the conversation about setting boundaries and asking their children for help in protecting mummy or daddy’s work time.
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries with your children. Tell them when you need to be in “do not disturb” mode, and create a clear signpost for this on your door. One client created a ‘Stop’ and ‘Go’ sign with her 6 year old daughter as a fun art project; it’s now stuck up on her office door as a signal for her child for when she’s able to come into her workspace. Another client created a thumbs up and thumbs down sign with his 7 year old son, which has been working well.
If children feel they are involved in the process, they are more likely to respect the systems put in place (most of the time!).
- If you both work, tag team your work shifts (if you can) - If you’re someone who has children but needs long blocks of time to get your work done (see my post on ‘Deep Work’ by Cal Newport for more information on this), then alternating work blocks with your partner can help. This has worked for my husband and I. On most days, he works 7am-10am (3 hour block) while I look after the children, then I work from 10am-2pm (4 hour block) while he looks after the children, before we swap over again and he works from 2pm-6pm (4 hour block). I then complete an hour’s work in the evening from 7pm-8pm (providing the children go to bed smoothly, otherwise I may work until 8.30pm).
This is what currently works for us but it took us a long time to create a system that was successful. Until 7 weeks into lockdown, we were still struggling to find a rhythm. Adapting to change takes time. I know our schedule won’t work for everyone as we all have different commitments and responsibilities. But if you can tag team, figuring out a basic schedule and sticking to it (most of the time) provides a structure to your day that can help you function better as a family.
- Downtime is essential (and we shouldn’t feel guilty about it) - In the very beginning of lockdown, I remember sharing in my Instagram stories that my husband and I were giving each other an hour or two of downtime on the weekend, whilst the other looked after the kids. We’ve realised that 1-2 hours doesn’t cut it. We need more time to ourselves. And that’s okay. Yes, we make sure we have some time together as a family but this doesn’t need to be all the time. My downtime was spent running, going for long walks or making use of my personal power spot in my home (see photo).
Time for ourselves is important because then we’re a much better person for those family times, because we’ve had some time on our own. Let go of that guilt. Let go of that FOMO. Embrace your own downtime. You won’t regret it!
- Look closely at your calendar to decide whether activities are draining, neutralising or energising - A friend of mine was feeling completely overwhelmed and exhausted up until a few weeks ago. She spent all of her time looking after her children (3 and 7) as well as trying to work during the day (and evening because she felt guilty that she wasn’t getting enough work done during the day). She admitted she hadn’t confided in her partner about how she was feeling because he was the main breadwinner. She didn’t have the energy to exercise, was constantly on edge and felt guilty because her home was a mess and unclean.
When things got to be too much, she sought help from a health professional who gave her one task to work on following her first session:
Write down all of the things that you do in a typical day.
Then write next to each of these things whether you find this activity draining, neutralising or energising…
An activity that is draining is something that tires you out, either physically or emotionally (multi-tasking, running after the kids, dealing with tantrums etc.)
An activity that is neutralising can make you feel relaxed and calm (meditation, reading, yoga etc.)
An activity that is energising gives you energy (exercise, a hobby you’re passionate about etc.).
After looking at just one day in her calendar she realised that she had no energising activities at all and only a few neutralising activities scattered throughout the day. She just hopped from one draining activity to another most of the time, and as a result she felt exhausted. So she started to go for long walks in the morning while her partner watched the children for an hour or so (this gave her the energy to start the day well) and then started to build in some running time in the evening (which gave her the energy to engage fully with the rest of her evening downtime).
The reason why I’m sharing her experience is because I’ve never looked at my daily calendar in this way before and I find it fascinating. Deciding whether an activity is draining, neutralising or energising allows you to step back and assess how the things that fill our day can put us in a certain mood. Just by making a few adjustments, we can start to reclaim a little bit of control.
- Be honest with your employer if things are too difficult - I know this point is not going to apply to everyone as when it comes to our jobs, we are all in different situations. Some of us are currently furloughed, worried about losing our jobs or taking on more work in some instances for a number of reasons. But I still feel I should share our experience here because it highlights the need to be flexible with our expectations and how we structure the day. At the beginning of lockdown, my husband was continuing to work the same number of hours he did pre-lockdown but he found this increasingly difficult as he had to look after our children for a block of time during the day. After two months of trying to work the same hours, he had the courage to speak with his boss and share that he would no longer be able to work the same hours he did before. The response was very positive and understandably, my husband is now working less hours.
If you’re struggling to manage everything, and if you feel you can speak to your employer about your current situation and ask for help, I’d urge you to do this. To protect your health and wellbeing. We’re not perfect and neither should we be in an unprecedented pandemic. The truth is:
We are not currently working from home.
We are at home, during an extraordinary time in history, trying to work.
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my reflections of our time as a family over the past 15 weeks. If any of the above has resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Stay safe everyone x